Human Shields Defense League asks not to be blamed for ousted leader's rogue statement
Tensions run high after declaration of ROAR
The Human Shields Defense League has condemned yesterday’s statement by its ousted leader Khant L. Themaparte, calling him a “rogue actor, COMPLETE twadpockle, and the worst traitor to our cause, ever.”
Themaparte’s shocking statement endorses a declaration of ROAR that his former group calls a humanitarian disaster in the making, certain to kill many innocent people. The group pleads with all members of the public, “Don’t take it out on us, because we’re not him. He no longer represents us, even though it might be hard for you to tell us apart.”
They continued, “We’re still working hard to protect human shields all over the world from unfair retaliation… for things they didn’t do… by people who don’t represent them… even if we can’t tell them apart.”
The declaration of ROAR came last week from green-eyed activists addressing an escalating blue-eyed threat. “This time,” said Themaparte, “it’s different. No blue-eye can claim to be blameless in the face of such mounting aggression.”
Mounting blue-on-green-eyed aggression has been a hot topic ever since a report two weeks ago showed an alarming uptick in a wide range of blue-on-green-eyed violence. The report draws from statistics kept year-round by news media outlets and periodically released when ratings are low or when government agencies want more funding. The uptick’s specific cause is not clear, but the wide range of violence has activists feeling threatened.
“No blue-eye is innocent,” declared Themaparte. “They come at us from all quarters, from all walks of life. Our blue-eyed waiters, bus drivers, accountants… we can’t tell them apart from those who will attack us next. The numbers don’t lie. What are we supposed to do, just sit here?”
This means ROAR
The laws of ROAR allow any sufficiently large group of victims to declare that they are Rightfully Obliterating Aggressive Repugnance (ROAR) and retaliate against people whom they cannot tell apart from their perceived attackers. They also must keep it civilized by using weapons and tactics that feel impersonal, such as bombs or drones or firing on anonymous crowds from a distance, without ever allowing the action to feel “cowardly.” Expanding on an older idea called “war,” which only allowed such retaliation between different countries, ROAR now provides all groups of any nature equal access to rightful retaliation.
Some experts warn that most actual ROAR is of a subtly different variety that is rarely talked about, known as Really Overreacting Against ROAR (ROAR), in which the retaliation is only against former retaliation, making the ROAR self-inflicted, self-prosecuted, and self-sustaining. These experts lament how hard it is to tell the two ROARs apart and hotly debate whether it can even be done and who ought to settle it.
Also under debate is how “sufficiently large” the group of victims must be, and whether people who are not actual victims (yet) can retaliate on behalf of others from whom they cannot be told apart—against people whom they cannot tell apart from actual perpetrators—or whether they just ought to stay the hell away from the whole thing, if that is even an option.
Anti-ROAR voices have been almost entirely discredited at this point, since without ROAR, you’re stuck trying to find the individuals who actually did the bad things—if they’re even still alive—which is like really hard but might be approachable if all the ROAR budgets were redirected to it, as if that’s going to happen. Also it’s not something you can just rush off and do while the public news media is demanding results.
Plus, if you calm everyone down and stop creating more victims, then you’re leaving a whole lot of cash on the table—and power, and ratings! Fortunately, institutional voices have moved on from this boring rhetorical quagmire and now recite in unison that anti-ROAR is really pro-violence and also just a talking point of extremists or the latest evil dictator. And we should finish them. FINISH THEM!1
The eyes have it
To people who think that having blue versus green eyes is a trivial distinction that we should all “just get over,” Themaparte has this to say:
“Like so many people, I am a green-eyed soul trapped in a blue-eyed body. I had to tear down my mirror to avoid the insult every morning of seeing myself mocked by my own biology staring back at me. This is not something to ‘just get over,’ and I do not appreciate people disregarding the fundamental difference between me and some chroma-normative blue-eye, and refusing to treat me the same as anyone else.”
“No one knows what it’s like,” muses Themaparte. “To be a keen soul, to be a green soul… behind blue eyes.” He begins to sing.2
Fortunately, modern technology came to Themaparte’s rescue.
Innovative biotech company Grenopsia has been making life-saving colored lenses for people like Themaparte, whose affliction is called ocular dyschromia and was formerly detected in only 0.000000001% of the population. Grenopsia’s marketing has spread these lenses to almost two-thirds of all humankind, and they now offer blue lenses as well, helping everyone to discover their true nature, as long as it is green or blue. Red lenses have not caught on yet, but they are pushing that in a low-key manner.
New parents carefully watch which colors their baby seems attracted to, desperately hoping to minimize harm by gleaning the baby’s inner eye color as early as possible. One school of thought says it’s the color of the baby’s favorite toy, whereas another says it’s the negative of that color—since objects reflect (repel) their apparent color—while others speculate that the baby’s clothes may be more important than the toys. We are still figuring this out. In any case, the kid eventually becomes old enough to choose whether to resist mass culture or acquiesce, embarks on a solo expedition called a “see-about,” and returns home to select lenses.
This cultural innovation has, of course, changed the way green-eyes and blue-eyes wage ROAR. In the old days, they used to taint the water supply with a genetically engineered agent fatal to one eye color. Today, this attack is considered a ROAR crime, as it condemns people solely for their biology. It is also now a ROAR crime to attack a sleeping person, because even if some creepy surveillance gear could see a sleeping person’s eye color, people often take out their lenses to sleep. It has not been decided what to do with people who cheat the system by pretending to be asleep, as we cannot tell them apart, which is kind of what this whole problem is about to begin with. But if they’re going to cheat like that, they deserve what they get. What are we supposed to do?
Indecent Proposal
As green-eyed counter-defense militias gear up for ROAR, Grenopsia is begging them not to destroy its factory. You’d think this would be obvious, but you have to admit that all the blue lenses are indeed coming from that one spot, and so even though the green ones are also coming from that spot, well… when they are literally the same spot, can you really tell them apart? No, you cannot.
But the top proposal as of this morning is to destroy the neighborhood with the highest concentration of blue-eyed residents, where many blue-eyes have congregated to live as neighbors in a supportive community. Green-eyed planners have objectively counted the neighborhood’s population, soberly typed it into a spreadsheet, multiplied it by the percentage rate of blue-on-green violence, discounted it for the expected all-cause mortality during the same period, deducted other people who might wake up from comas or evade capture when their visas expire, lit a candle shaped like an epidemiologist, and now feel satisfied with the result. “We are just here to save lives,” said an unnamed analyst. “Numbers don’t lie.”
So long as the neighborhood is destroyed from afar by expensive machines and no one has to watch individual victims explosively dismembered, vaporized, and burned alive, then it is within the laws of ROAR. Just don’t go up to people face-to-face and do the same thing, because that’s way too obvious, and everyone will be horrified and disgusted and will know that you are a stone-age troglodyte, even dumb people and the ones who never pay attention. If you can’t afford the necessary equipment to ROAR legally, well… you should have thought of that before you got yourself counter-defended in the first place.
But according to inside sources, a more nuanced plan has begun taking shape:
Green-eyed counter-defense agents will fly over the neighborhood at night. Instead of bombing the place, which would be legal but maybe unpopular, they will parachute from their stealth aircraft and sneak into the houses with razor-sharp instruments at the ready. Killing the residents person-to-person would of course be illegal, but these razor-sharp instruments will be perfect for secretly prying open residents’ phones, to insert a counter-defense chip that will activate in the morning. The chip will verify its user’s eye color and then surreptitiously emit endless subliminal messages that program the whole body to die over the course of a week or two.3 This has to be at least as legal as remote-control bombing of unseen victims. And anyway, no one has to know.
.jpg){kind=link}
“This is the cleanest we can make it,” said a source familiar with related things. “True, we cannot guarantee who actually picks up the phone in the morning, or whether someone is just a guest in that house, or whether some people use their phones in bed before inserting their lenses, or whether someone is in the habit of letting their baby play with their phone, or whether those phones get inherited by innocent people after their users’ deaths, or whether the chip really works at scale outside of the laboratory, or whether the blue-eyes get ahold of the chip and use it back on us, or it turns out that most of the crime was really committed by brown-eyes all along just wearing blue lenses to be weird, or some unintended thing happens that we never thought of to make everything just hellish for everyone… but what’re the odds of that? We’re professionals. We’ve been at this a looooong time.”4
Parting shots
The Human Shields Defense League would like to remind everyone not to blame blue-eyed leaders, since the uptick in violence was committed organically by the general population.5 It would be unfair and illegal to punish peaceful leaders who had no control over their people, even if we can’t tell them apart.
All the while, in the background, Khant L. Themaparte strums and hums and plaintively croons, “What are we supposed to do?”
"What Are We Supposed To Do?" A song by Khant L. Themaparte (Acoustic ballad style) What are we supposed to do? They may not look the same to you, But they do to us, so get on the bus, And finish them. (Death metal style) FINISH THEM!! FIIINIIISH THEEEEEEEM!!!!!!! ROARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Nikki Haley boldly declares “Finish them,” referring to savage Hamas terrorists who barbarically murdered innocent civilians and truly deserve the very worst of all human experience, but she offers no way to tell them apart from still more innocent civilians living all around them, who are unable to leave and literally half of whom are children.
Nikki Haley to Netanyahu: "Finish Them" (FULL Interview)
See 1:58 for her finest moment.
Evil Emperor Palpatine of Star Wars exercises more restraint, by "wiping out" enemy soldiers assembling in a swamp away from civilians.
(VIDEO) Wipe Them Out | The Phantom Menace (Episode I) - “Wipe them out, all of them.”
Madeleine Albright is not fazed by any of this. She says the deaths of 500,000 Iraqi children were “worth it.”
Themaparte’s favorite songs
The Who - Behind Blue Eyes 1989
Themaparte’s favorite lines start at 1:24:
No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings,
Like I do, AND I BLAME YOU!
… My love is vengeance, that’s never freeeeee.
BONUS: 80s vibe!
The Who - Behind Blue Eyes (Live At Shea Stadium)
Muppets - Kermit - Its not easy being green (original)
This transphobic song, targeting children, fails to affirm Kermit’s feelings of loss about being biologically green and almost delights as he is forced to accept it, yet YouTube leaves this video up. Themaparte still likes it for its cathartic sense of hopeless persecution, plus since Themaparte must accept his green soul the same way that Kermit must accept his green skin, this song brings him strong feelings of kinship.
The FBI's COINTELPRO operatives could only dream of such technology.
FBI–King suicide letter, Wikipedia.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FBI%E2%80%93King_suicide_letter
The FBI–King suicide letter or blackmail package was an anonymous 1964 letter and package by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) meant to blackmail Martin Luther King Jr. The suicide letter was part of the FBI's COINTELPRO operation against King.
Brown is all the paint colors mixed together, giving brown-eyes an inner nature of completeness. That makes them neutral and not part of this whole mess. No one needs brown lenses, because if your inner nature were brown, it would be complete, which could only mean you already had biologically brown eyes.
The Human Shields Defense League was formerly called The Individual Rights Defense League. They changed the name when the term “individual rights” changed its politics to side with the Far Right.
BONUS
Aging hippies who actually took this shit seriously and still do.