Study links furnaces to indoor cooling
Numbers still don't lie!
In its second massive study, a team of scientists has again run into controversy. Despite reams of solid data and an AI-backed conclusion, people just don’t believe them—again—including even some of their own peers.
“Human scientists can have trouble discarding their subjective intuitions,” says the team’s lead, a senior researcher with decades of experience at elite institutions and over a hundred peer-reviewed publications. “That’s why it’s important to remember that scientific thinking can be difficult and should only be attempted by qualified professionals.”
The team is on its second study, after publishing ground-breaking results on bike pedaling. “People still don’t want to believe it,” says the lead scientist, “but we found that pedaling bikes is undeniably linked to going slower. I don’t care if your Aunt Myrtle told you otherwise. The data is perfect. Numbers don’t lie.”
Fortunately, centers of academia have recognized this team’s skill and valor and have brought them on board a historic effort to generate massive data sets for Universal AI Training (UAIT).
“Universal AI Training will seed artificial intelligence systems all over the world with public-domain expert data sets that anyone can use,” says the director of UAIT. “Everyone will have access to an AI as smart as anyone else’s. There will be no gap between the AI-rich and the AI-poor, not on my watch. Having a job will become increasingly optional, finally paving the way for Universal Basic Income.”
The team’s second study, just published last week, reveals another shocking but numerically solid conclusion: running your furnace is not the warm, toasty affair you’ve been led to believe.
“That’s right,” explains the team’s lead scientist. “I know your Uncle Ralph said to turn on that furnace to heat up the house, but you’ll have to throw his down-home intuitions out that drafty window! Our numbers unquestionably link running your furnace to having a COLD house!”
Polls show the public rebelling against such an idea, but really, who needs them, when we have numbers and science? It may be hard to believe, but in thousands upon thousands of homes, researchers objectively recorded lower indoor temperatures while furnaces were running hard, and higher ones with the furnaces slowing down or stopped altogether.
“Science isn’t just someone’s opinion,” says the director of UAIT. “Oh, I know that the science man on TV huwts your widdle feewings, and your Internet bro calls everything a SCAYAAAM, but are you really going to believe him instead of numbers? Seriously.”
“Let’s put it this way," explains the team’s lead scientist. “I’ll just show you how a state-of-the-art AI confirmed our conclusion”:
LLM served by Perplexity Labs [model llava-v1.6-34b]
Hello! How can I help you?
[Research team lead]
My research team has investigated the effects of a household appliance. We recorded the indoor temperature every ten minutes in 10,000 homes across the country for a year. We found a perfect correlation between the appliance running and lower indoor temperatures, also a perfect correlation between the appliance not running and higher indoor temperatures.
[AI response]
It sounds like your research team has collected a large amount of data on the effects of a household appliance on indoor temperatures. The fact that you found a perfect correlation between the appliance running and lower indoor temperatures, and between the appliance not running and higher indoor temperatures, suggests that the appliance is likely causing the indoor temperature to decrease when it is running. This could be due to the appliance generating heat, which is then dissipated into the surrounding environment, causing the indoor temperature to drop. Alternatively, the appliance could be causing the indoor temperature to drop by drawing in cold air from outside. It would be interesting to see if there are any other factors that could be affecting the indoor temperature, such as the time of day or the season.“For the science-challenged,” snickers the director of UAIT, “lower indoor temperatures means colder! As in, ‘The appliance is likely making it colder,’ and by ‘appliance’ we mean ‘furnace,’ so take that, Uncle Ralph!”
Not only has AI confirmed the obvious conclusion, but it has already begun formulating hypotheses on the mechanism of the cooling, whether it is due to pushing hot air out or pulling cold air in. That’s a real scientific mind at work! Always follow the data, and don’t let counterintuitive results scare you back to your dumb human opinions.
Next, the UAIT faces another controversy due to its latest motion to rename AI. “Since AI is the real thinker,” says the director of UAIT, “shouldn’t it be called Real Intelligence? We think so. Hmmm, I wonder… should it get Universal Basic Income too? Let’s ask it.”
You won’t need their UBI
or a job, when you’ve learned how to
Freelance like the best
with Henry Bingaman’s Freedom Formula at
Freelancing is the future, and trends show it is exploding right now.
Numbers don’t lie!
Notes
I just had to make the team’s lead say, in the second paragraph,
That’s why it’s important to remember that scientific thinking can be difficult and should only be attempted by qualified professionals,
because this kind of finger-wagging is super typical right now of the “AI” systems he worships. I think it is a side effect of the safeguards built into their prompts to inhibit “unsafe” output. You should see how they get when chatting about vaccines.
Universal Basic Income?
Yes, the AI Utopians are super-freaky for it. To them, it’s like, just part of AI.
“Silicon Valley leaders think A.I. will one day fund free cash handouts. But experts aren’t convinced”
https://www.cnbc.com/2021/03/30/openai-ceo-sam-altman-says-ai-could-pay-for-ubi-experts-disagree.html“AI is coming for our jobs! Could universal basic income be the solution”
https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2023/nov/16/ai-is-coming-for-our-jobs-could-universal-basic-income-be-the-solution“How ‘windfall profits’ from AI companies could fund a universal basic income”
https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/23810027/openai-artificial-intelligence-google-deepmind-anthropic-ai-universal-basic-income-meta“Moore’s Law for Everything,”
by Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI, maker of ChatGPT
https://moores.samaltman.com/
Really it’s all just around the corner. All that’s left to do is teach the machines to think.
Here’s why it’s important to remember that balanced journalism can be difficult and should only be attempted by qualified professionals.
(VIDEO) CNN hosts caught performatively mocking people like Uncle Ralph
As you’ve probably guessed, the people in this video are among those often found pointing Teh Laser Dot of Mass Approval. No one knows why.
I blame us. It’s our fault for reading, and attempting to craft, catchy and intriguing hooks and headlines. Being the literal monsters that they are, the researchers have mistakenly extracted from their data our preference for paradox and nonsense.